Thursday, January 24, 2019

Bands

When I was in junior high school I played saxophone in the school band for a while. Too bad that the music teacher had it in for me!  I missed two practices for reasons that were out of my control, and he took to saying, "So, Mr. Matthews, you decided to come today!" Then at one practice he singled me out for criticism.  I suppose I wasn't very good, but I decided, "This is more trouble than it's worth," and handed in my instrument.  He wasn't pleased, but he didn't try to dissuade me.

I remember the time we got a rubber band under one of our stove's heating elements and it melted.  What a stench!

And some years back I saw the miniseries Band of Brothers, about a company of paratroopers who suffered the U.S. Army's biggest loss in World War II.  I can't imagine having that kind of courage!

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Proverbs

There's a bit I like in the Book of Proverbs:

 There be four things which are little upon the earth, but they are exceeding wise:
The ants are a people not strong, yet they prepare their meat in the summer;
The conies are but a feeble folk, yet make they their houses in the rocks;
The locusts have no king, yet go they forth all of them by bands;
The spider taketh hold with her hands, and is in kings' palaces.

I also like this part:

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her:
"Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all."

The Greeks have some great proverbs!  In the novel Captain Corelli's Mandolin the Greek father says, "Love is what's left when being in love burns away." I've learned several from the book Teach Yourself Ancient Greek, like "Forget the favour you did for someone else, but remember the favour that was done for you." And "Wealth without virtue is like a drinking party without company."

There are also some great Chinese proverbs, like "Our ancestors planted trees, and we sit in the shade." And "We take off our socks at night, not knowing if we'll put them on in the morning." A famous one is "He who rides a tiger doesn't dare get off!"

There's a Scottish proverb that goes "Cheat me once, shame on you.  Cheat me twice, shame on me!" Another one is "Pride and poverty go together." (My mother knew that one!)

One proverb that puzzles me is "A rolling stone gathers no moss." Why should a stone want moss?

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Insults

Don Rickles (seeing Frank Sinatra in the audience): "Make yourself at home, Frankie.  Hit someone!"

They say that the perfect Chinese insult is one that everyone understands, except the victim!

Did you know that the most popular Canadian movie ever was the teenage sex comedy Porky's?  When you think about it, that film's a Canadian caricature of Americans, as horny redneck slobs!  And the beauty of it is that very few Americans realized they were being insulted, like that Chinese insult.

When my older brother was in high school, people nicknamed him Bonehead.  Then I came along and got nicknamed Baby Bonehead! (It wasn't the happiest time of my life.) What really annoyed me was being expected to ignore it all.

I read that in India one insult is to call someone "brother in law." That's their way of saying, "I screwed your sister!" ("Stepson" would be even better...)

Ever hear Yo Momma jokes?  They're African-American insults that go like, "Yo Momma so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes!" or "Yo Momma so fat, when she sits around the house she sits around the house!" or "Yo Momma so poor, I saw her kicking a can down the street and asked what she was doing, and she said, 'Moving house'!"

Friday, January 11, 2019

Imaginary friends

"Imagination is more important than knowledge"--Einstein

Sometimes I think all of my friends are imaginary. (Just kidding!)

When I was a teenager I imagined someone who wasn't really a friend, but kept criticizing me.  Finally I imagined killing him and burying him under a lilac tree!

In more recent years, I've fantasized about having a blind girlfriend.  This means, my shrink suggested, that I see myself as ugly.  But I think it's more the idea of a girl who depends on me.

The TV show Barney the Dinosaur is sort of about an imaginary friend.  When kids get to eight or so and become too old for the show, they really hate it!  I've heard of kids reciting, "I hate you, you hate me, let's hang Barney from a tree!"

And there's also the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes, about a boy and his tiger.  It's a really funny work!  If Beau Geste's only redeeming virtue was courage, Calvin's only one is being imaginative.  In one episode he said, "I'm destined for greatness!  I just know it!" and Hobbes said, "Boy, will you have to pay up to keep me from talking about you!"

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Love at first sight

Can't say I know much about love at first sight, or second, or third...  I once saw a funny Dracula spoof with the title Love at First Bite.

I sometimes wonder how my parents fell in love. (They first met as students at Mount Allison University around 1950.) They were far from the passionate type:  I never saw them kissing.  I'm pretty dispassionate too.

I suppose that love at first sight is a fiction cliche. (You can avoid the difficult business of showing a relationship gradually developing.) One thing I liked about Charles Frazier's Civil War novel Cold Mountain is that the lovers were cautious, even reluctant.  Which is what you'd expect of them in a wartime setting.  I also liked the book's line about slavery: "It made the rich ugly and proud, and it made the poor mean."

The movie of Cold Mountain I can take or leave.  They cast Nicole Kidman as Ada and Renee Zellweger as Ruby. While Renee could have played either role, I saw Nicole more as Ruby.

Saturday, January 5, 2019

A first date

There's a first time for everything.  The first time I went to the movies was at age three, possibly the goofy Disney campus comedy The Monkey's Uncle. (It had something to do with a flying machine.) The thing I remember was that the sun went down during the movie, so it was dark when we came out.

The first time I was in the hospital (besides being born) was at age 15, for ulcer treatment.

The first time I rode an airplane was at age 17, when my parents and I went to Britain and France for a month.  Looking out the window, I noticed that the plane had Rolls-Royce jet engines.

The first time I had a colour TV was at age 19, when we lived in England for a few months.  The first time we had a video player I was 23.  The first time we had an internet connection I was 34.  The first time we had a DVD player I was 39, I think.  The first time we had HDTV I was 50 or 51.

Also, the first time I sang karaoke was on a cruise ship on the Yangzi River when I was 38. (I sang "Hey, Jude.")

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Carrots & Popeye the Sailor

One thing we usually grow in our garden is carrots.  The really hard part is thinning them, pulling out the greater part so that the rest will have room to grow. (I always let my sister Moira do that.)

I've always enjoyed eating carrots. (I'd make a good horse.) That's something I have in common with Bugs Bunny.  I remember this cartoon where he and Daffy Duck climbed a beanstalk and met up with a giant Elmer Fudd. (At one point they ran around inside his hollow head!) In the end, Bugs was running away but ran into this giant carrot patch, so it was a happy ending for him.

Giuseppe, my former singing teacher, is a man of firm opinions.  He loves the old Popeye cartoons, but hates The Simpsons, which he called "grotesque." I said, "Well, Popeye's a bit grotesque too," and he said, "That's different!  Popeye is a caricature." I guess it's a matter of perspective.

Since I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, whenever someone asks how I feel about it, I quote Popeye the Sailor: "I yam what I yam!"